I’m an absolute sucker when it comes to delving into the depths of the official NFL store to find the weirdest items on offer, but I’m not used to finding sheer, unbridled horror. Then I found the “New England Patriots Holiday Tiki Mascot Ornament” and I will never be the same again.
This monstrosity is on sale for $ 2.80 which is $ 2.80 too much. This is not a gift, this is a curse. You invite this terrible patriot into your house and suddenly you can’t find your scissors, then the chef’s knife is gone. They wipe everything as a mistake, surely you just misplaced them while thinking about other things. That is, until your beloved animals disappear, it’s finally too late and the Tiki ornament kills your family in one hell of a bloodbath.
It should be noted that the Patriot isn’t the only Tiki ornament available in the NFL Shop, there are several – but only the Pats is $ 2.80 because even the NFL knows how cursed it is.
The most alarming part of it is that the Pats ornament is listed as “almost gone” which means that people have actually bought this for themselves, friends, or loved ones. Why you invite this to your home is a mystery to me, but I am so afraid for anyone who opens this thing as a gift.